something that I always have to remember

I have just swallowed the last piece of medicine I have been prescribed. I have almost forgot what I have done. I try not to think about it even though I have to suffer from this my entire life. I try not to think that I actually got a disadvantage in my life even though it is not obvious yet. I try not to think that this had actually happened to my life even though it clearly had.
The past can never be changed. That's why you learn from the past and make a better future. That is the beauty of life until you make a serious mistake that you must never have done. To make one feels better is to tell oneself try not to redo the same mistake in the future, in other words, sugarcoat the filth and get over it. That's how we live, and that's how I have to live. The thing is, however, the filth stays as a filth forever even though it is covered with nice, white, sweet layers that make it look pretty. I have to remember and accept the reality all the time in my mind. I have to remember and accept the reality that I am no longer innocent. And I have to move foward with the filth and guilt from now on.

disdain

I deserve it.

let go

Rain drops lightly hit my window and make comfortable sounds in my quiet room. The first rain in San Francisco. The icy cold rain washes my worries off and gives me warmth that I have almost forgotten. How calm I am now.

Autumn

When things start to die to reborn next spring.

live

Could anyone tell me how to live in this world?
I feel I live in the world of reflection where everything is the same but not real.
What is real?
Real is 90% of pain and 10% of warmth.
Without pain, people do not feel any warmth, without warmth, life is nothing.
I feel pain, a lot of pain, but not warmth.
Warmth of my blood, I feel like it has been taken.
Warmth of others, I feel like it has never been givin.
I feel like my life is a piece of photograph; looks pretty but no depth, no warmth, so easy to destroy.
How could I get out the world?