sayonara

"I don't have time for drama," you said.
and I couldn't say anything any more.
I loved you.

where

So my camera died on the day of dia de los muertos - so called, "day of the dead." I can't help but wonder what this really means to me and my life - I have been taking pictures to express my unspeakable feelings since I moved to this country, the United States. There have been a number of transitions, inner-battles within myself, frustrations, confusions in these four years of my life in this country, and now, I am at the point where I have to beat all my weakness and make a concrete decision about my life. And, yes, I am lost at the moment.

Come to think of it, the reason I came to the United State was to escape from the reality. I made up numerous reasons to come here, but it was simply because I wanted to get away from Japan, where I was born, grew up, and became who I am. I noticed the awkwardness in the Japanese society since sometime before I made the decision of coming here - to be precise, it was after I came back from Australia - and I found myself not-completely-belonging in the society. So I escaped, and here I am, looking for another place to escape from reality and life I am going to face to.

I am in a state of complete confusion which I never experienced. I finished my education, I have a city where I love and live, I have friends who love me for whoever I am, I have parents who totally respect my decision and support me - what's more do I need to be happy? Only thing I am lacking is my confidence - which I thought I have, but turned out it drained out of me without notice. I feel so weak and I am so frustrated and hating myself being so weak. So I tried to beat my emotional weakness, then I lost my physical strength by pushing myself too much. I feel powerless and hopeless.

However, life goes on. Time passes at the same speed as it used to against my will. There is no going back; there is only moving forward.